Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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