I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
