I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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