I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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