May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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