All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
