you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
