bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
