If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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