This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize