the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
