my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize