My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
