I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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