I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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