On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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