good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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