Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize