I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need a beard to bite.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
