haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
