If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
