God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
