I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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