i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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