I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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