Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
