it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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