my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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