I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
