please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
