I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize