Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
