Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
