So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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