she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
