Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize