True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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