you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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