what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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