dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Alive.
So much puke
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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