So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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