I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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