My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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