how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
