Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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