I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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