five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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