Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
