Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
