Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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