I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
