Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
