The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
