the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
