yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
