Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize