you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
