and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
