Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
