honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
