I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
