If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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