Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize