And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize