if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
